Oh my gosh I am feeling pretty darn fantabulous at the mo!
I’m a kg away from my highest ever weight, and just have a few more kgs to gain to get to my new target weight set a few weeks ago by my therapist. I swear that my brain is starting to function better now and is thanking me for all its yummy nutritiousness. I guess after so long of being starved it's pretty grateful for what it's being given.
I feel the best, happiest and least depressed or low that I have in years. In fact, I've been thinking that as all the way through my teenage years, even before the onset of any eating disorder I was never very happy or confident from about 14 onwards, and my BMI was never over 17.5. Coincidence or connection? I'm not sure, but I know that I am determined that for the first time in my life I will not be in the <18.5 "underweight" category.
Um, hold me to that one please, when times get tough again! :p
I feel the best, happiest and least depressed or low that I have in years. In fact, I've been thinking that as all the way through my teenage years, even before the onset of any eating disorder I was never very happy or confident from about 14 onwards, and my BMI was never over 17.5. Coincidence or connection? I'm not sure, but I know that I am determined that for the first time in my life I will not be in the <18.5 "underweight" category.
Um, hold me to that one please, when times get tough again! :p
Ed is really starting to lose his strong strangling grip on me right now.
In fact some of his tactics to try and pull me back in and make me lose weight are just quite amusing! However, it seems like the more I laugh at him and push him away, the more he gets angry and tries to fight back…. But maybe one day now he’s gonna snap from trying so hard? Fingers crossed!
Well, now that I fight back when he says I’m too fat, my stomach is huge and my thighs are too big, he’s had to think of new approaches. These have included: my arms are really fat, (not a particularly innovative one on his part I must say!) my face is too ugly, and my hair looks horrible. Bahahaha, he’ll have to do better than that to convince me!
OK, I’m beginning to wonder whether I should actually post this because if anyone reads it that doesn’t understand the E.D voice, they will think I am completely mad! Maybe I am? Can anyone else relate to the two voices (YOU and the E.D) battling inside their head??? reassurance please!
I made a new poster today to inspire me!
My challenge from my therapist at the moment is to keep a list of evidence of positive qualities I have each day. It is sooooo hard cos it just makes me feel stupid and embarrassed! But I am trying my best!
Today I had a sudden urge to play my clarinet – this was quite a shock (for it and me) because it’s been hibernating in its little box for a fair few years now! Anywho I really enjoyed it and wasn’t as out of practice as I thought I would be, although I was fairly out of breath at the end!
I shall just keep on munching, munching, munching, (and continue therapy to change my thought patterns :p ) and soon Mr Ed will be a thing of the past
Love, love
Love, love
Amy
xxx
4 comments:
There are NO amount of words to express the happiness this gave me.
Amy, you give me hope.
Constant reminders about how good life can be gives me the determination to get to that point, too.
There is such a different tone in this post; you are becoming so much more alive and free-spirited. It is a beautiful thing to watch and I can only imagine (but one day hopefully experience!) how beautiful it must be for you.
ED has no chance at keeping up his games. The desperate attempts at bringing you down are laughable!
I am so proud of you, Amy, and so incredibly happy for you.
You've inspired me, and you've motivated me.
Love to you, girl.
<3
Eleanor
YAYS for you!!! this is such fab news hun, im so proud of you.. what a kick-ass post. you make me wanna get to that happy place too! gobble gobble gobble, we can be like a pair of turkeys, eating away while swinging our giblets! whaddayasay?!?!
i totally understand the ED voice, you're not some crazy loon who's hearing voices, i think every person who has suffered body image/food issues will relate to this. Its a crul little trick that your undernourished mind plays on you to make you think its ok to not eat... why it would do this, when clearly it wants and needs to eat. but hey, im no scientist!
loving the poster, i need me one of those badboys for my wall.... maybe i shud get my pupils to make one in art class :-p (orrrrrr not!)
hows the positive qualities list going? what've you got down so far....? apart from LOVELY PERSON!! (you can have that one from me - im feeling generous!)
xxxxx
You're such a strong person and I know you can fight through these ED thoughts. ED has no chance! Soon we'll all be 100% happy and healthy.
I love your collages - I think I might make some as motivations too.
Keep going as your keeping me going! (if that makes any sense...) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
So good to hear you're beating the battle with ED thoughts!- i can definitely relate to that, and how much of a struggle it can be to listen to yourself.
Really like the idea of creating a inspirational poster too :)
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