One big boulder or lots of little pebbles?

BONJOUR!

Um I’m going to try and describe some of the thoughts going through my head atm… maybe writing them down will help me make sense of them – then again, maybe not!...bare with me if they don’t make much sense… or in fact just skip the next whole TON of waffling haha!

So ever since I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa 2 years ago (almost exactly to this day – weiiiiird!) I’ve always felt like a fake. In my mind I believe that I have no real reason to have become ill. Therefore I am just making it up.

My life has always been fine: I’ve two happily married parents, loving relatives, live in a quiet little village, went to a sweet, happy primary school, have always been intelligent and fairly sporty, have never been overweight, never been bullied, picked on or abused, always had everything I could ever ask for but have never been spoilt, my mum is the most caring person in the world…. I could go on…..

So why WHY did I develop anorexia? I shouldn’t have done, I am making a fuss about nothing.

Well I have come to the conclusion that the last sentence (I am making a fuss about nothing) could lie right at the heart of my problem! Any little thing that has been hard or stressful in my life I have never dealt with because I have never thought it significant or ‘bad’ enough to make a big deal out of, or ask for help. In other words, I haven’t thought myself worthy enough to bother other people with my silly little problems…. Or to actually think them through myself!

An example is the other day, I was home alone and was in a really grotty mood. I didn’t know why but there seemed to be no big reason for it – therefore I shouldn’t be feeling that way. I should just get on with life and stop being so silly. There is nothing wrong in my life so I have no reason to act this way. But actually when I made myself delve deeper and look at what was bothering me, I found that although there was no major problem, there were lots of littler ‘insignificant’ things that had all built up – I was stressed about revision, that I wasn’t doing enough work and wouldn’t get it all done (but instead of realising this, getting on with it and making myself feel better, I blocked it out, didn’t revise and made things even worse!) I was worried about the next day cos there were lots of things that needed to be done, I was upset that my aunty was very abrupt and rude when she said she didn’t have time to meet me this week, I was worried about going back to uni and having to be really sociable…..
So even though there wasn’t one massive boulder of a problem that was getting me down, there were lots of little pebbles that had all built up.

Once I could realise that they WERE significant because they WERE bothering me, I could think about them, sort out each little pebble individually in my mind, move on and feel so much, well lighter I guess (cliché I know!)…. Progress in the cognitive department me thinks?!

Now I’m slowly coming to realise that no, there was no one major trigger in my life that I can say caused my eating disorder or depression, but there were lots of little things combined with the fact that I hadn’t developed the correct processes in my head to cope with them, and deal with negative thoughts.
Now I can look back at my (italicy) thoughts and realise how negatively I was thinking throughout my teenage life. I believed I was SO unworthy that I wasn’t even important enough to be labelled anorexic(!) At the time I could not believe that I had a real problem, because I was just a silly little girl that decided to not eat very much.

NOW HOWEVER, I can look back at that poor little girl and see how unhappy she was. She never admitted it, even to herself, but just kept on pushing on with life how she believed she should be. She didn’t let herself get close to ANYBODY, not friends or family just in case they came to realise what an un-worthwhile person she really was. She never confided in anyone and so the problems built up nd up and came all out of propoertion in her head. She was then isolated and lonely, and could use this as evidence to back-up that she was a loner, a loser and not a nice person. It was a deep and twisted spiral of negativity that made her lose all her self confidence.

BUT THAT SHALL CHANGE!!!!!!! That little girl has developed and learnt so much recently. She wants to enjoy life as an adult, a grown woman and an equal in the world.
I SHALL live my life to the full!

Anywhoo, back to me actual life! Today was fanfabbytastic!! B (another BEAUTIFUL ADORABLE friend I met in treatment) is back from her worldly travels after 5 months! We met up (in Costa OF COURSE!) for a well-needed cappuccino and soooo much gossip to catch up on. Well time just flew by and before I knew it we’d been sitting there for over 2 hours, and I think the staff were close to asking us to leave (or at least buy a second drink haha!!)

My outfit for the day - leggings long vest top, flowery shirt from Crete, plus my portuguese boots (feeling very European today :p), primark belt and topshop cardie, oh and sunglasses even though weren't really necessary today!

I got back home at about 8pm and had a very late dinner of beef casserole and baked potato. Quickly followed by my evening snack of porridge made with semi-skimmed milk, chopped apple, sultanas and lashings of brown sugar…. And YEP eaten in proper fashion with a dessert spoon not a teaspoon!

YUM!! After this I was sooo full.

But meh! i can deal with that thank you very much Mr E.d.

Ciao for now

Amy xxx