“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
Hi peeps!
I’m HOME! I got back yest evening (just in time for tea – nicely planned so I didn’t have to cook mwahahha!) I was pretty impressed cos I didn’t get lost once on the way back…. And that’s saying something cos I openly admit to having absolutely no navigation skills!
Today has been one of those days that starts off pretty sh!te but only gets better!
I woke up in a rather grim mood with the prospect of having to step on the scales looming over me. For something that’s so physically easy to do, you wouldn’t believe how long it took me to psyche myself up and actually step both feet onto the platform of doom.
Anyway, as you might have guessed the number had taken a ‘giant’ leap upwards and I totally freaked out. My rationalising sensible brain was no where to be seen, and anorexia’s distress had completely taken over me.
It was like Ed was entirely me….or I was entirely him? Whichever. We were one, and therefore it was ME who felt massive, out of control, greedy, a failure, disgusting and in total panic mode.
I went into seeing my therapist K in my ‘numb’ panicky mode.
Fast forward one hour, and you would not believe the difference in me. Honestly, my mood was totally reversed. Now me and Ed were totally separate again. It was HIM that was distressed about the weight gain and how well I’d done on the eating front this week… And I was GLAD the little bugger was feeling that way. I think he’s getting scared that one day soon I will just kick him right out of my life and he will have no one to leech the happiness and life out of anymore.
That brings me to my next thought. I feel like I am making tiny tiny steps all the time towards recovery. But I can’t quite bring myself to jump off the edge and actually go for it.
In fact, right now I feel like I have taken little steps all the way along the diving board, and have got to sitting on the edge, before having a little blip and deciding the water looked too cold, so taking a few steps backward, before going back to sitting on the edge. Time and again I get to this point, and every time the steps backwards are harder and smaller, and the steps forward are quicker and easier. At the moment I think I am hanging off the end of the diving board, with my toes dabbling in the water wanting to get in and live life to the full, but my fingers still clinging onto safety and claiming that the water is too cold and deep.
When will the time be to let go and enjoy swimming in the refreshing blue water? Well, to be honest I don’t know the answer to that one! I WANT it to be soon. And I know it won’t happen unless I do something about it. So what do I need to do?
Me on holiday in Portugal 18 months ago :-) Now that water really WAS freezing - it was October and the pool wasn't heated! Plus, my warming layer of insulation was severely lacking ;p
According to K, I just have to believe in myself (easier said than done!) Apparently I am doing everything right now, I just have to realise it:
• I am working hard at recovering physically
• I am going to uni, living away from home (some of the time!), doing well in my exams
• I have got lots of friends, but I just can’t believe that they actually like me. I’m sure that soon they’ll realise that I’m not actually a very nice person, and leave me
• My family love me
• I am sporty and intelligent
• Apparently I am quite pretty. Gah, just writing that word was hard. Let alone trying to believe it
• I am a good person
Anyhow, I walked out of K’s room with a smile on my face. I think I might have got a few random looks walking back through town, but I just couldn’t help it. Plus there is no law against smiling! I also felt like a stone of fatness had just fallen off me – it’s amazing how much my body image is linked to my mood.
I had a lovely afternoon in the sunshine, and then went to Soton to meet Bex for some all important Costa time!
The only tricky (but manageable) bit was not getting home until 8pm, and then having to fit in dinner, pudding and a snack before bed. I’m a little full to say the least!
Watch out, any day soon, I could bloom into the flower of a person that is waiting to blossom right now! haha! beware!
Much love
Amy xxxx
2 comments:
Amy, I am so proud of you for fighting down the ED thoughts and bringing AMY back into the picture.
It's so hard to feel like you've done anything right when the voice in your head is telling you you've done everything wrong.
The little steps you take towards the edge of the diving board are the preparation for the actual dive - your dive doesn't have to be perfect. Girl, you don't even have to jump off the edge, you can just step in. Anything you do will be scary, but it will also be worth it.
Sometimes we need to take a step or two back to see how far we've come.
You've come a long way, and you've done yourself (and so many others!) proud.
You WILL blossom into that beautiful flower.
Love,
Eleanor.
x
can i just say a big HELL to the YEAH!!!
well done for kicking that ED back into its place, you showed him who's boss and he aint liking it... soon he'll have to go elsewhere cos he wont be welcome in your head anymore :-)
Glad your therapy helped, im so pysched up to get mine sorted now, but still no word! argh, im so frustrated with waitingm i just want to get on with recovering y'know, and i feel like im on pause until that happens.
Looking forward to seeing you suddenly morph into a flower, i wonder how hard it will be to walk around with only a stalk for a leg and then theres having to adapt to a diet of fertiliser! Yum.
xxx
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