Buzzzy!

Bonjourno!

This weekend has been busy busy busy! I'm looking forward to going back to work for a rest :p

I think it has felt so jam-packed and stressful because it's brought up alot of situations where I feel uncomfortable:

• My brother and his new girlfriend came down from Sheffield for a long weekend. Me and my brother aren't very close anyway and I tend to make alot of assumptions about what he's thinking about me and that he's looking down at me as his geeky uncool sister.
• I was worried about what his girlfriend might be like and what she'd think of me. We're very close in age so for some reason it makes me feel a bit threatened and insecure... it turns out that she's really lovely :-)
• It shows up the fact that I am single and my little brother is in a relationship.
• It's always going to be hard having a stranger in your house cos you never feel quite relaxed.
• My mum felt she ought to invite my aunt and uncle over for dinner cos my brother gets on really well with them.... it was awkward cos my uncle has VERY strong opinions and is not afraid to let everyone know about them! the fact that he no longer likes me, my mum or my gran (or any of the rest of his relatives come to that!) was made very clear.... whereas my brother (and now his girlfriend) are superheroes in his eyes and can do no wrong. I just wonder how long it will last before my brother makes a tiny mistake and is never forgiven. I really hope it doesn't happen cos my brother idolises my uncle and would be devastated.
• Uncle and aunt invited bro and girlfriend for a day out in London.... nothing was said about it to me.
• I went to my swimming club's bbq which was great fun and I loved it but I was worried before hand about the social aspect as well as the food side of tings!

Anywho, I have made it to the end and I think I coped preeeetty darn well. I was chatty and friendly all weekend :)

Onto some eats. This is my lunch I just made for work tomorrow (aren't I organised?!)  

Brussells pate sandwiches (bit of a challenge) with cucumber chopped orange pepper and celery. Plain yoghurt with fruit and nut mix plus tsp sugar, elevnses bar.

My extra-cool lunchbox. Yes, it does keep things cool.

Are you an organised kinda person or a leave-it-til-the-last-moment kinda person? for me it depends on the situation. I like to get up quite early before work so I have loads of time to chill (and read blogs) but then I still always end up leaving everything til the last minute and rushing out the door (so it's lucky i make my lunch the night before or I woudn't be getting any!)

 Ciao for now

xxxxxx

“I am not a number”

(might be triggering)

Well just try telling my brain that would ya? Cos it aint listening to me!

I have always been a very mathsy, numbery sort of person (hence the accounting degree!) and at times my skill of being able to remember figures is really helpful….

…but ED wise it really isn’t!

The number in pounds.

The number in stone.

The number in kilograms.

The BMI number.

They constantly flicker round my brain. Not just this week’s number but the last few months and years worth of them. The increase per week, the general trend line, the average over time. My highest, my lowest. Gah. It’s never ending.

Why oh why is it so important?? No one else can tell what the number is. I don’t go around with a label on my forehead telling peeps what my BMI is. It doesn’t affect my personality, or how much people like me, or how well I can do things.

But at the moment it IS affecting my happiness.

This week was a big ‘un in terms of numbers. And it was at this number a few months ago that I totally freaked out and relapsed.

I only gained 0.2 kg, but that was enough to take my BMI from 17 to 18, and my weight in stone from 7 something to 8 something. SH*T!

ED tells me that I am normal and healthy and average. I can’t possibly have anorexia. I can’t possibly need therapy to help me. If I am 8 stone something then that’s nearly 9 stone, which in my mind is lots.

I am trying to ignore these silly silly thoughts, but it is tough!

Any advice on how to change the way I’m thinking about this???! Do numbers bother you much?

I realise that other things in my life being stressful make it worse to deal with the weight gain so hopefully when things calm down a bit and I’m not so triggered by other stuff I’ll be able to rationalise it a bit better.

On a lighter note:

• I have finished my first ever week of full time work!!! it's going pretty well and I've met some nice people
• It is now the weekend!!! working makes the weekend so much more exciting!
• I got to meet up with my 3 gorgeous girlies (friends I met in day patient) yesterday. We had a mini therapy session over cappucinos haha!
• I shared a Costa 'granola bar' with S just cos I wanted to and I was proud, and not guilty
• The weather is absolutely awesome right now

"Learning to live is learning to let go." -Sogyal Rinpoche

xxxxx

Summer lovin

Gosh I've been a bad blogger! but I have an  excuse (honest!) cos lots has been going on the last few days.

After my exam last Tues I came home and spent a few days avec mes parents before shooting back to uni on Fri night for an action packed weekend.

I left my lappy top at home, because it seemed pointless taking it just to bring it back 2 days later. But I didn't realise how naked my room would  feel without it. I didn't know what to do with myself (I'm sad I know) what was I gonna do whilst eating my brekkie if I couldn't read all your amaze blogs???!

Anyway you'll be glad to know I coped and am still alive after the traumatic experience :P plus I had lots of blogs to catch up on when I came home again :D

Saturday night was the SUMMER BALL!!! Everyone was as excited as lil kids before christmas, and E had to go to bed early on Fri night to make Saturday come quicker because she "just couldn't wait any longer" haha!

We had a fab girly pampering type day on Sat which was so much fun and really sociable, and then headed off to the Race Course in the evening where the ball was being held. I had a great evening of dancing, drinking, going on funfair rides, watching Feeder play live...

... and it didn't rain thank God! although it was preeeetty chilly and my toes went numb! We came back quite early but stayed up til 6 in the morning chatting :-)

Me and the two lovely ladies I shall be living with next year

Then Sun was E's birthday. We were gonna have a bbq on the lawn by our halls but the weather wasn't havin it and in the end we just sat around indoors!

This is the card I made her:

After a few lazy hours, still hanging from the night before, it was time to get to work.... packing up my entire room!

Yeah I kinda left it til the last minute, but I didn't really think I had that much stuff left to take home. How wrong was I?! I have seriously managed to acquire a ton more possessions since I moved in in September!

But, of course my darling car coped with everything I threw at it and we struggled home that evening with me not being able to see out the rear window!

Then, before I knew it Monday morning rolled around and I got up at 6.30 to get ready for my job!!! Today has been my first ever full day's work, and all I can say for now is that I reserve judgement about this having-to-work idea. I am knackered.

Ok, well that's a brief overview of my life from the past few days haha! I know I haven't mentioned anything about food, but to be honest it took a bit of a back seat in my mind, which I think is quite a good thing.

Although, I'm disappointed I couldn't challenge myself more by having a bit of E's bday cake or munching on some of the snacks we bought for the (indoor) picnic, or ordering Dominoes pizza with everyone else. Nar mind, there's still plenty of time for all those things to happen in the future :-)

Lots of love, Amz

xxxx

Thief!

Um somebody ate my tea. I am sooo not impressed, esp. as I have hardly any food here at uni atm cos I’d planned what I needed to use up the rest of my supplies.

My poor little chicken curry leftover from last night’s dinner from home was quietly minding its own business in my uni fridge and looking forward to being gobbled up by me today… when just as it was falling into a peaceful sleep, someone snuck up on him and ate the poor little darling!

I was gutted! My rice was already underway when I realised, and I don’t know who it was (although I have my suspicions) as A LOT of food has been going missing recently.

Nevermind, I managed to scrape together a near-enough-meal in the end. I guess it made me face my fear of not having everything pre-planned and under control!

Do you wanna see a picture of our pristine tidy kitchen??

Tbh it has been far worse than this in the past but it still aint the nicest place to prepare ma dindins! I've given up on trying to clean up after people - soooo not worth it - and now I  keep all my crockery and food (that cant go in the fridge) in my room cos we have absolutely no clean pots or pans anymore!

I CANNOT WAIT til next year cos the peeps I'm living with are pretty clean and tidy so our house should stay quite nice!

Today was the last exam whoop whoop! I’m glad they’re over and done with for this year at least! I then went to the cinema with an amazing friend from my course. We watched ‘The Back-up plan’. It was hilarious and made me properly laugh out loud – nothing better than a cheesey rom com to cheer you up :-) Plus the guy (Alex O'Loughlin) is preeeetttty hot!

 

We then chatted for hours back in my room (although it consisted of mostly her talking and me listening haha cos she is a complete chatterbox!) but we did talk about ED a little bit which was strange cos I hadn’t talked about it to anyone on my course. She had worked it out though, even though I couldn’t believe she would have noticed, and she seems to be one of the nicest most understanding people I’ve talked to!

She's my Little Miss Chatterbox, but I love her all the same!

I now feel good for having opened up a bit, cos it’s a pretty big secret to keep from my good friends, but also nervous that I let it out into the open. I feel like I’ve opened up too much of myself into the world which is very scary. Maybe I shouldn’t have talked about it cos it’s a pretty self-centred subject and maybe I was making a fuss about nothing? These kinds of thoughts keep coming into my head but I know they’re silly cos talking about a subject like that for 15 minutes is not really OTT! And anyway she also already knew so it wasn’t like I was breaking anything new to her.

Do you find it scary talking about things that are a big thing to you? (like eating disorders)

and

Do you like things to be neat and tidy or are you happy to live in a bit of a mess?!

Mucho lovo xxx

J'adore

I've got a bit of a one-track eating disordered mind today, so this list is to try and think of non-food things that I LOOOOOVE!

• Singing along to my ipod at the top of my voice when driving

• Making random lists

 • Sitting in Costa with friends

 • Sitting in Starbucks with friends

 • Well, let’s face it, any coffee shop plus friends = ♥

 • Reading all your amazing blogs

 • Swimminggg

 • Finding out more about people

 • Water skiing, hot weather, beaches… a holiday abroad really

 • Feeling safe with my family around me

 • Watching musicals at the theatre

 • Making collages of posters/cards

 • Checking facebook… well I’m not sure if I love this, but I feel the need!

 • Long walks in the countryside on sunny days

 • Feeling that I am making a difference or helping someone

 • Taking photos

 • Mooching round shops just browsing

 • Watching Grey’s Anatomy

 • Learning more about ED’s so I can become more insightful and wise to them

 • Getting engrossed in a good book

 • Playing my clarinet

 • Pretending to be an opera singer(!)

 • Day dreaming

 • That feeling when you know you’ve had a really productive day

• Watching films in French (but with the English subtitles, cos I aint that smart yet)

• Having a massage :-)

What do you adore??

xxx

Up and down like a blimmin yoyo!

Well after the last few days/ weeks of real positivity, today came as a bit of a shocker tbh. Although I have to say, a part of me knew the high I was on couldn’t last out forever, and at some point things had to come crashing down.

Maybe that’s a bit of an overstatement? I think I’m being a tad melodramatic here! After all, everyone has bad days sometimes, and there doesn’t always have to be a reason for it.

This morning me and mum went Summer Ball dress shopping….. maybe I should have realised this was gonna be a hard thing to do before we left, but I guess after how easy I found shopping for jeans the other day (yep I got a pair!!) I was hoping for another success.

Anyway, to cut a long story short my anorexia got very triggered by the whole shopping experience and me and the mother ended up having a pretty big row. This is unheard of in our relationship because people in my family don’t like conflict!

After a lot of trailing round in the rain from shop to shop, wearing a face like thunder, I eventually found a dress that I liked and that fitted (thank goodness!) so it ended on a reasonably good note.

This is it. It's from M Butterfly.

This afternoon I received some bad news about a family friend, which definitely scared the **** out of me, but I have my fingers crossed for him.

Then a few more minor negativities occurred but things seemed to be looking up when I explained to my mum that I thought one of my worries at the moment is the fear of going back to uni for my last exam and the summer ball. I am so sure no one will want anything to do with me and will hate me for having been so antisocial over the last few weeks, and these thoughts are getting me down right now.

Phew! Something off my chest… but wait, next thing I know my mum is in floods of tears, gaaah. Why? Because she hates seeing me so down, and dreading something that she is sure will be fine when I get there. Now I feel like I can't open up to her about my worries for fear of upsetting her.

AAAAAHH by this point in the day I was ready to scream haha! But I kept my cool. We had a good chat, sorted stuff out and moved on! Luckily, just in time to watch…. ‘Over the Rainbow’ – they’re looking for Dorothy for the West End Wizard of Oz.I am in love with this show!! It’s sooo cheesey but awesome!

Sorry for all the negativity today. But onto a lighter subject - foooood!

I'm trying to increase my calories this week after the scales decided not to budge. But I also want to add more proteins and fats to make my diet more balanced and (hopefully) keep me feeling fuller for longer.

One of my shnackems: Greek yoghurt with a yummy fruit and nut mix thing on top, plus a sprinkle of sugar

Check this out! not lemon curd, but JAFFA ORANGE curd! *faints*

Eee this mess looks disgusting but it was divine: porridge with chocolate chips and tsp orange curd. It tasted EXACTLY like Terry's chocolate orange!

That's all for now me dears, but firstly:

Any easy ideas on how to add more protein and/or fats in? suggestions would be much appreciated! :)

(by the way I really don't like eggs in any shape or form - apart from cakes where you can't taste them! and peanut butter is a definite hate!)

Tomorrow is a new day!

xxxx

I had forgotten...

• That I have talents other than being good at starving myself
• What it feels like to be warm
• The amount of energy I can have
• What bananas taste like – tragedy! they used to be my favourite fruit
• How to feel relaxed and comfortable with doing nothing
• The feeling of getting absorbed in a good book and losing track of the world around you
• How nice fresh white bread is compared to brown (don’t get me wrong, I still like brown but can now eat white on occasions!)
• Being excited about the future, not just terrified
• That it was abnormal to hoover my bedroom carpet everyday cos of the amount of hair that was falling out (sorry tmi!)
• How much better clothes look when they’re not hanging off me
• Not counting down the minutes in the day til the next meal, or until I could go to bed and get the day over and done with
• That I was ALLOWED to enjoy what I ate without feeling guilty about it
• How to get a good night’s sleep
• That even though some things are still really tough, I have come a long way
• That people think about other things that aren’t food or weight related
• That I don’t need to be perfect to be happy
• The feeling of WANTING to exercise instead of NEEDING to
• That I don’t need to be the last person to finish eating at the table
• That is natural to feel emotions, and being numb sucks
• There are so many people in my life that I love and that love me
• That life is for living, not jut existing

News Flash: I've got a summer job!! (well it's only for a month but better than nothing) It's working for an exam board marking papers and doing general office work (I think!) This will be my first ever full-time employment - working from 8.30 til 4.30 aaah! that's like a proper job! far too many hours :p

I'm really excited and pleased cos it means I can work for a month and save up some money to then hopefully go on holiday/travelling with S :)

Only slight issue is it's the summer ball on the 15th May, my friend's b'day on the 16th and then I start work on the 17th haha! i could be a smidge tired.

Would'ya look at that! it's bread but not as I know it :p

It's a roll and not a sandwich. excitiiiiing much?

With dairylea, ham, lettuce and Branston pickle.

The usual greek yoghurt, apple, sugar. Deelish.

I gotta go cos me and my mum are gonna walk up to the poling station to vote!

QUESTION: What had you forgotten, or what do you want to remember?

Oh and thank you sooo much guys for your nice comments, love you all!!

Bye bye!

xxxx

Chillin

Whoop 5 exams down, 2 to go!! and then I'm done for the summer - I still can't believe how ridiculously early this uni breaks up!

Right, onto more sombre issues: I have a complaiint to lodge: I’ve not been particularly impressed with this Bank Holiday weekend. Now come on Mr Sunshine, it’s May time now, so do your thing and scare away those clouds please! and WHAT was that that fell out the sky this afternoon? I sure hope it wasn't hail, cos that is just NOT on.

The view of ALMOST sunshine out my bedroom window

... then 10 seconds later!

= GREY

P.S. unfortunately my mug didn't have cappuccinno in it, only coffee. BUT the coffee was WHITE and not BLACK - go me!!

I have an exam at 9.15 tomorrow so in theory, my weekend should have been full of revision. In practice, it was full of procrastinating, and lazing around.

I am getting so good at being able to chillax now (omg I hate that word but every one at uni says it and I think I’ve subconsciously added it to my vocabulary… along with ‘probs’, ‘obvo’, ‘cba’ actually saying ‘lol’ not just writing it, and many more too cringey to tell you haha!)… but yeah I think most people with eating disorders find it really really hard to allow themselves to relax, or not do anything productive and I was deffo (that’s another one, sorry!) in this category. Now, though I’m loving being able to laze around and have a chilling kind of day. I think the fact that the revision is unappealing helps cos I’ll think of ANYthing else to do instead!

Here's a few outfits from the last few days (please ignore the messy room in the background - that is another thing I'm getting good at - not needing my room to be OCDly clean)

Notice the lack of jeans which are normally my everyday wear. But at the minute I am STUCK in between sizes- jeans I own are getting uncomfortably tight, but there's no point buying the next size up yet cos they're too biiiig.

BRING ON THE WEIGHT GAIN AND JEAN WEARAGE!!

Hope you had a lovely bank holiday weekend! (Is it jut an English thing or do other countries get a May Day??)

And, what words do you find yourself saying and then cringing at straight afterwards?!

Ciao for now

xxxx