Going bananas

"I'm afraid I can't put it more clearly" Alice replied, very politely, "for I can't understand it myself, to begin with; and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing."

Does anyone else have real trouble with this? One moment in the day I think I look healthy, normal, just your average 21 year old, then something will happen and my size just changes before my eyes and I either see myself as skinny, underweight and too bony, or huge, flabby with a MASSIVE stomach and thighs. It's so hard to find some kind of perspective....

And it's not just weight. Sometimes I can get up in the morning and think I look pretty, or at least acceptable, but by later in the day my whole view has changed and I can't even imagine how people can stand to look at me cos I'm so ugly!

I know it's all to do with my emotions and feelings, but it feels so scarily real and the absolute truth at the time that I just can't see how it can only be my perception.

Anywhoo, yesterday I wasn't in the best of moods. I was having an ugly, fat day. I didn't know why until my mum made me stop and think about what was actually going on in my head. I've got so good at blocking thoughts out of my head that it took me ages to decide what was actually troubling me, but after alot of "i dunno"ing I came up with things that were weighing on my mind - mostly the amount of revision I have to do, the tension in our family at the moment, and whether I'm really worth all the money my parents are spending on my therapy.
After I'd blurted all that out, I felt so much better - it STILL amazes me how much talking about stuff can help! lol

In the afternoon, although I knew I needed a snack but didn't know what to have. I ended up dithering round the kitchen and opening all the cupboards! before deciding I'd have a BANANA!! The first in a looooooong time. I didn't even have one in treatment last year. So I ate it and have to say I was really disappointed, it didn't live up to anywhere near the memories in my head. Although, bananas are fickle things and you have to get them at the perfect moment for them to taste right, and this one as a bit under ripe.

After dins (delish pan fried salmon, new potatoes and peas) I drove to Soton to meet S, and we watched Alice in Wonderland 3d. It's the first 3d film I've seen and I thought it was pretty damn awesome! I love the film too and Johnny Depp was so funny! But where was the bit where Alice says "you're nothing but a pack of cards"? i was waiting for that bit!

Gotta go, going to meet a different S for coffee in a bit :)
Amz xxxx