Hey hey!
I’m back at uni, a little later than expected but never mind! I got lost in my own lil driving world of singing at the top of my voice to songs on my ipod, and missed my exit off the m4…. by 2 junctions oops! My excuse is it all looked different in the dark :p
I’m so glad I decided to clean and tidy my room before I left cos it was really nice to walk back into a spotless room!
Today has been quite hard and I have been feeling huger than a huge huge hippo. I do know why though – I’ve been nervous about coming back to uni. After having 3 weeks off, I had convinced myself that no-one at uni likes me, I have no friends, and no-one would want me to come back, I wont be able to do my exams, and I havent done enough revision. Soooo not true, but it doesn’t stop my head from worrying about it!
Instead of rationalising and thinking through what I was nervous about I tried to shove it out of my mind and pretend everything was fine. Resulting in a rubbishy depressing kind of day of feeling fat, wanting to sleep so I don’t have to think about anything, and feeling awfully lazy and useless.
I’ve got my first exam in the morning :s I’m sure it’ll be fine – it’s a pretty simple one, but I still don’t wanna do it lol.
I’m trying to calm myself by thinking that I only have to pass (get 40%) to carry on next year, so I don’t have to aim for perfection. It’s not important to do really well and I won’t be considered any less of a person if I do averagely well instead of excellently.
But I guess my perfectionist streak is ignoring all of this sensible thinking, because I “MUST DO WELL!” Grrrrrr.
Despite E.d telling me I am the size of a small beached whale, I still had my evening snack when I got in.
I’m back at uni, a little later than expected but never mind! I got lost in my own lil driving world of singing at the top of my voice to songs on my ipod, and missed my exit off the m4…. by 2 junctions oops! My excuse is it all looked different in the dark :p
I’m so glad I decided to clean and tidy my room before I left cos it was really nice to walk back into a spotless room!
Today has been quite hard and I have been feeling huger than a huge huge hippo. I do know why though – I’ve been nervous about coming back to uni. After having 3 weeks off, I had convinced myself that no-one at uni likes me, I have no friends, and no-one would want me to come back, I wont be able to do my exams, and I havent done enough revision. Soooo not true, but it doesn’t stop my head from worrying about it!
Instead of rationalising and thinking through what I was nervous about I tried to shove it out of my mind and pretend everything was fine. Resulting in a rubbishy depressing kind of day of feeling fat, wanting to sleep so I don’t have to think about anything, and feeling awfully lazy and useless.
I’ve got my first exam in the morning :s I’m sure it’ll be fine – it’s a pretty simple one, but I still don’t wanna do it lol.
I’m trying to calm myself by thinking that I only have to pass (get 40%) to carry on next year, so I don’t have to aim for perfection. It’s not important to do really well and I won’t be considered any less of a person if I do averagely well instead of excellently.
But I guess my perfectionist streak is ignoring all of this sensible thinking, because I “MUST DO WELL!” Grrrrrr.
Despite E.d telling me I am the size of a small beached whale, I still had my evening snack when I got in.
Bowl of porridge, a few branflakes to add crunch, a spoonful of rasp jam and some brown sugar. strange mix? maybe, but yummy all the same.
Notes to self:
My aim is to gain weight. A bmi of 17 is NOT healthy. Gaining weight will make me happier, stronger, better able to deal with life. To gain I have to eat more food than the average person, so it's gonna feel like alot and make me feel full and bloated. Bloated does not = fat. I am doing well by getting through each day. Everything will be fine. There is no point worrying about the future.
Tomorrow is a new day :)
Love Amy xxx
2 comments:
GOOD LUCK in your exam!!!!
and dont let those nasty ED thoughts hold you back, you are a strong and lovely person, anyone would want to have you around and im sure you will do just fine in the exams, important thing is not to worry, worrying gets you nowhere! do your best and look forward instead of back :-)
oh and at BMI 17 there is no WAY you could look like a beached whale! leave that old nonsense behind, it is FAR too encumbering!!!
xxxx
Hey
Thanks so much for comment - you seriously made me feel loads better and far less guilty about coming home!
You are so strong, especially being at uni during recovery. It wasn't that I was homesick, the anixety over food just pushed me too far and the argument going on in my own head about what to eat just kept getting too much (sounds kind of strange, but it's the truth! I'm not a maniac I promise).
Good luck with your exams. I'm doing art, so only have coursework to contend with!
And by the way, your eveing snack looks amazing - I usually end up have warmed up cereal and milk or a tin of rice puddinng courtesy of Ambrosia.
xxx
ps, I going to copy downt hat quote at the end by Emerson - so inspiring
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