Bottling it up

Today has been hard. Maybe the excitement and novelty of 'getting healthy' that spurred me through the last few days are wearing thin, and Ed is fighting back with all his might.

I guess I was a bit too optimistic about how easy it would be to be happy and healthy now that I've decided to get better. I kinda forgot about the battle it causes inside of me! Looking positively though, these few days are probs gonna be the hardest and then it should get slightly easier. Because:
1. The routine atm is new, and of course Ed doesn't like changes!
2. He is screaming out at me for eating too much when I'm far too fat already. The quantity of food is apparently far too much (soo no true in reality)
3. My body still has very little energy from restricting over the past few weeks so I'm tired and irritable.

As soon as things get tough I retreat into myself and don't talk to others. I also try not to think the thoughts that are in my head, so I shove them out the way and try to ignore them, but they are still there building up inside me. Weirdly, when I am struggling I also feel very sleepy - I think it's my mind's way of trying to stop feeling and thinking cos if you're asleep then it is easy! .... but of course this angers my eating disorder that I am being so lazy especially now when I am eating so much, I have no excuse to sleep in late or rest during the day!

BUT WAIT... I know what to do when I feel like this - TALK!! the thing I find THE hardest in all the world! but it works the best. I can talk things through with mum and I always end up feeling better, or I can write in my journal or text a friend. There is always a way out, it is just the last thing I think of doing when I am in a bad mood!

"You have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn't worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens."
- Louis L. Hay

I know that my body is needing time to recover and a few days of rest would do it good. So I really need to start listening to what its telling me, and stop thinking that I am not worthy of eating or relaxing. I deserve to be well.


I made this video a while ago when trying to think of ways of motivating myself to recover and I find it quite useful to go back and watch occasionally when I need a kick up the backside lol!

Anwhoooo! I still ate everything on my meal plan and had the yummiest roast dinner with pot roast beef, vegetables and baked potato :)
I also visited my aunt and uncle which was a bit of a challenge cos I'm not sure what is happening with our relationship at the moment - let's just say it is quite distant!

Love Amz xxx