Today has been another wet nothingy kind of day.I felt ok with not doing much and generally staying inside all cosy whilst the hailstones beat against the window - it's spring i tell you! what is the weather playing at?!
I went swimming this morning which was fab and I made sure not to work too hard and listen to what my body was telling me. I also had the obligatory two slices of jammy toast before hand to make sure I eat back what I burn :) All I can say is it's lucky I don't have a problem swimming not long after eating otherwise I would have to get up mighty early!
I went back to bed for an hour or so when I got home and then got up, had breakfast, and felt like doing a bit of arty crafty work. I've been cutting out and saving bits of magazines to make collages with so I decided to make the one above to cheer up my day!
I challenged myself at lunch by putting a little bit of leftover coleslaw on top of my standard salad :) it contained CHEESE and full fat SALAD CREAM as well as red cabbage, onion and carrot! It was sooooo good though!!
Then I had my dairy lea, ham, pickle and lettuce sandwich on granary bread. I really need to try out some new food combos soon as these are getting a wee bit old! but I really do love 'em! Maybe that shall be a challenge some time soon...?
Ooh Ive found the most delicious drink eveeerrrrr! It's not at all new cos my brother has been drinking it for ages, but I kept well away from it cos it's called liquorice tea and I HATE liquorice with a passion... but actually to me it doesn't taste anything like liquorice - it has a lovely cinnamon, and maybe ginger? flavour and is really warming!
So my day was all going pretty well, even though there was nothing thrilling involved. My ed thoughts were well out the way and I felt on top of it, as if it didn't really exist and that I was pretty much 'normal' and rid of the silly thing....
...until, my mum me and my brother went on a quick 10 minute stroll when there was a break in the rain and the sun came out. The conversation was quite chatty and for once it seemed like there was no tension or awkwardness in the air between us. Then half way through D (my brother) goes all quiet and withdrawn and starts lagging behind us. I thought nothing of it, and was more concerned about getting home before this massive black cloud started tipping down on us! It wasn't til later when me and mum were watching tv on our own that she said D had told her he was really worried about me going swimming cos I was 'too thin'. To be honest this came as a bit of a bomb shell. Sure I've lost a little bit of weight in my last blip or mini relapse whatever you wanna call it, but nothing catastrophic. I honestly have been feeling totally healthy and happy with my weight and thinking that yes I need to gain a few more pounds just to not be theoretically classed as 'underweight' but in reality I looked fine.
So his worry, (and believe me it must be kinda serious cos my bro ain't the worrying kind!) was a massive reality check that maybe I have got a bit further to go and a bit more work to do than I thought.
This got me thinking about what weight I want to get to in recovery. Even though I've been through this whole process before last year with the support of Intensive outpatient treatment, I don't think I was ever wholeheartedly willing to let go of the disease. I gained weight steadily and always did what was asked of me.I got to a weight where I felt comfortable with my weight and the people around me deemed it 'safe enough for now' and decided I would maintain. Then, when I went to uni and gained a couple more pounds just by relaxing my eating habits a bit (and the alcohol uni lifestyle probs helped as well!) I totally freaked out because my weight went above my safe, acceptable zone. In reality my BMI had only just scraped into the 18s so I was still underweight, but my brain totally ignored this fact, and I quickly went back down the path of listening to Mr darn ED telling me how fat and disgusting I was.
So this time I want to do the whole recovery thing properly once and for all!! I know my BMI needs to get to AT LEAST 18.5 and probably higher to make relapsing much more unlikely, so I will talk with my therapist about it on Thurs and see what we come to an agreement on.
Bed time now, I'm tired!
Amz xxxxx
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