(might be triggering)
Well just try telling my brain that would ya? Cos it aint listening to me!
I have always been a very mathsy, numbery sort of person (hence the accounting degree!) and at times my skill of being able to remember figures is really helpful….
…but ED wise it really isn’t!
The number in pounds.
The number in stone.
The number in kilograms.
The BMI number.
They constantly flicker round my brain. Not just this week’s number but the last few months and years worth of them. The increase per week, the general trend line, the average over time. My highest, my lowest. Gah. It’s never ending.
Why oh why is it so important?? No one else can tell what the number is. I don’t go around with a label on my forehead telling peeps what my BMI is. It doesn’t affect my personality, or how much people like me, or how well I can do things.
But at the moment it IS affecting my happiness.
This week was a big ‘un in terms of numbers. And it was at this number a few months ago that I totally freaked out and relapsed.
I only gained 0.2 kg, but that was enough to take my BMI from 17 to 18, and my weight in stone from 7 something to 8 something. SH*T!
ED tells me that I am normal and healthy and average. I can’t possibly have anorexia. I can’t possibly need therapy to help me. If I am 8 stone something then that’s nearly 9 stone, which in my mind is lots.
I am trying to ignore these silly silly thoughts, but it is tough!
Any advice on how to change the way I’m thinking about this???! Do numbers bother you much?
I realise that other things in my life being stressful make it worse to deal with the weight gain so hopefully when things calm down a bit and I’m not so triggered by other stuff I’ll be able to rationalise it a bit better.
On a lighter note:
- I have finished my first ever week of full time work!!! it's going pretty well and I've met some nice people
- It is now the weekend!!! working makes the weekend so much more exciting!
- I got to meet up with my 3 gorgeous girlies (friends I met in day patient) yesterday. We had a mini therapy session over cappucinos haha!
- I shared a Costa 'granola bar' with S just cos I wanted to and I was proud, and not guilty
- The weather is absolutely awesome right now
"Learning to live is learning to let go." -Sogyal Rinpoche
xxxxx
3 comments:
hello my lovely!
thankyou for your message. you're so right! i didnt realise how easy it was to drop weight like that (snaps fingers in a dramatic way)... but i have DEF realised it now! i really thought i was doing ok, i mean i wasnt TRYING to lose weight, but that clearly isnt good enuf, like you said... i need to eat enough to stop losing, enough to maintain and then MORE so i can gain some.... munch bunch crunch. i need to get eating :-)
im trying to look at it in a positive way, like now i can experiment with trying new things - mr chicken salad, you're on monday... (ill let you know how it goes!) and not think about whether or not im hungry, if in doubt... eat!
As for your post, the numbers on the scales will almost ALWAYS trigger a reaction, you just have to try and think about it in a different way, like each step up the scale gets you closer to being the healthy, beautiful person that you are inside... 8 stone is not alot, especially at our height. i too find that the numbers swirl around in my head. But BMI, BMR, cal intake, cal expenditure... they dont MEAN anything, they dont make you a better person or a smarter person, they just make you a worrier. and who needs to worry about numbers, thats what calculators are for!!
Focus on the positives: its almost summer! the sun is shining (like a BIATCH over here, im almost tempted to get my stick legs out!) and you've kicked ass at your first week of full time jobbage :-)
Let go and Live like..... (insert your own caption here-im going with.... "like a rockstar!")
have a good weekend xxxxxx
Hey there amy!
8 stone seems to be a mark that all recoveres have an issue with. But I look at it as a bloody achievement!!!!! seriously, its amazing, im 3 pounds off it myself and ill be doing a happy dance when i get there.
For now, i would just accept that the numbers are annoying u, remember that numbers dont define you,keeo doing the right thing foodwise and doing all this will make your feelings shift. Dont try and force yourself to be insightful and look for the meaning bhind the number Just accept that this feeling is crap but know that it will pass! I promise it will. Think of your body in terms of what it can do for you, not in terms of the number it reflects. Chin up girlie, im right here with you. :)
It would be really hypocritical of me to tell you anything right now except that I *know* how hard this is...it's so strange how our minds set up road blocks with certain weight barriers. But you know what? You can plough right through those road blocks. 0.2, you know, is nothing. That is less than most people's weight fluctuates on an hour-to-hour basis. It is JUST a number- our eating disorders make it significant, but really...is it? I am eating an apple that weighs more than 0.2kg and that kind of throws a new light on things. Our minds magnify things and I don't mean to belittle your experience because I struggle with this too, but it is just a number. You won't look different than you did last week. 0.2, 0.5, 1.7...just numbers. You are more than that. xxx
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