Over the past couple of weeks I've been in constant panic mode. I've felt myself grow bigger and have more fat on my body and not been able to cope with this. The panic has been there pretty much every hour of every day. The thoughts sucked me in until I couldn't possibly think about anything else. It was like living with a constant adrenaline rush and a big ball of knots in my stomach!
Every time I thought about my body, my immediate reaction was disgust and that I coudn't possibly cope with looking like this. Then I would try and block the thoughts out of my head, but the nasty feelings would linger on.
STOP!
Finally, after mucho discussions with my mum, I can start to see the bigger picture. I had got so caught up in feeling terrible that nothing else mattered. Now,.... I realise that if I want to be healthy I need to accept that my body WILL be different to what I'm used to. It's not the end of the world, and the less time I spend worrrying about it the less I'll actually care. Now I can accept that my new body image will take some getting used to as I've never had a proper women's body before. I am allowed to feel anxious about the changes, and when I accept the anxiety it will allow the feelings to subside.
There are far more important things in my life, and I don't want to waste them by being in a constant state of fear.
Some pretty fleurs in our garden! bit random and nothing to do with my post but I liked them and that's all that matters! :P
I read this amazing girl's blog this morning and it was spooky how well it tied in with what I've been feeling. Thanks Fi!!!
I think I've been stuck in a place where I'm 3/4 of the way through my recovery. I look healthy, I can eat with others without bringing attention to myself, I can do all the things that I missed so much when I was ill, I'm louder and more confident than I was...... but still in my head there are alot of ED issues that need attention before I can ever recover properly. I DO still have an eating disorder even if it isn't so obvious anymore.
When I can accept myself for who I am and feel worthy of taking up space on this earth, then what I look like won't feel so important to me. I'll be able to just be.
Hope so anyway!
"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."
~e.e. cummings
Love love
xxx
4 comments:
Hey lovely, i think its so brave of you to admit that you are still struggling despite being 'physically' recovered. I read fi's post too and wow does that girl has some wise words... seriously, fi, if you're reading... you shud write a book! :-)
Anyway, being still in the very early stages of recovery myself, i cant relate too much to how you're feeling, but i can imagine it is quite the challenge to 'look' better to the outside world, yet to still have those ED feelings flying around the place. Just remember how far you have come and how much you've achieved... you can push through this mental barrier because you are much stronger now, you've proved you can gain the weight, which ive gotta say, is DAMN hard! now you just need to let your mind catch up with your body...
stay strong chick and take care xxxx
Amy, I am so absolutely thrilled by this post!
Allowing yourself to feel uncomfortable and anxious is important, as it is within your control then. You can stop those feelings once you've allowed yourself to feel them.
Accepting change, especially in your own body and skin, is going to be difficult and unfortunately there's no way around it other than to sit through those initial feelings of uncomfort and distress.
They WILL go away, because the more you accept and allow yourself to just be you, the less your thoughts are wound up on your exterior.
It takes courage, definitely. You are strong and courageous beyond belief, girl.
You're in my thoughts.
x
I can so relate to where u are at. Its not the greates place to be in at first, because its like the side of you that wants to recover is satisfied and the ed side is also satisfied, both are getting their way because u are still very slim but youre better than u were. But , once u realise what is happening, u then have the choice about mocing forard to reagain SOOOOO many more postivies in youe life or else to settle for half an ed, and i dont think u want that do u? Like i have said before, weight is relative, yea, you may be bigger than u were, but that doesnt mean ur big y'know? And what is weight anyway? is it any more than a number, just like what we see on a phone or a remote control? DO u judge others by their weight? You deserve to treat yourself with respect, so keeo trekkin amy! ur getting there.
P.S *Blush* :) Thanks for the shoutout. xxxx
This disorder does more to our minds sometimes than to our bodies huh? I can see you're at the last stretch of recovery though, and it seems like the hardest part to finish. You can see the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. If you could take a step back though and realize how far you've come, maybe it will give you that extra push. You are so much more than this disorder. You can and will leave it behind!
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